Letter to my Mother

Mom-

There are just some days that I need you so badly! That I wish you were here with me, wishing this all was a strange twisted dream. Wishing that you could see my children, loving Will's curly hair that you would have died over, enjoying Maren's fluffy buns in a swimsuit and Matthew's little Matthewism quotes. I can't believe it has been a year since I have seen your beautiful hands, your gorgeous smile, your hugs, your beautiful dark blue eyes, heard your laugh, or just smelled your familiar smell. I sit and wonder what you are doing, what grand adventure you are on, who you are teaching, what mansion you are decorating-I hope it's mine(and there better be granite counter tops and 5 inch baseboards)! I like to picture you with your beautiful smile and your ankle socks in a gorgeous temple dress. Breezing in and out of rooms in heaven making everything perfect and comfortable for everyone else. Every day I miss you a little more, but every day I feel a little more strength and comfort in the things that you taught me. In the fact that you raised me so well that I can stand on my own. I'm thankful for the beautiful family you gave me and these wonderful beings I call siblings that are here to boyd me up during all this. You often taught me growing up "your friends will come and go, but your family will always be here." (Repeating this to me often as I had to take Andrea along with me on outings -holla Annie, or babysitting) That was truly a precious gem of knowledge, and how grateful I am that you made us forge these relationships from birth. Almost as if you knew the turn our lives would take. Once again, trumping us all with your amazing intellect.

To you Iam grateful for so many things. For teaching me grace, dignity, self worth. For teaching me to hold my head high even when things aren't going right. For teaching me to turn the other cheek, and quiet, selfless service. For teaching me to get back up when I fall and not letting me wallow in disappointments. For giving me the gift of music, one of my most treasured talents. Because of you making me pound the piano every day, I have had some of my most spiritual experiences sitting behind the familiar keys playing at and attending many spiritual church meetings. I can picture you Mom bobbing your shoulders up and down and dancing in appreciation to our 80's music, especially U2. How fun you were!

You always had a standard, and how thankful I am to you that you taught us that standard. You set the bar high and had high expectations. And somehow we always tried to reach them, sometimes making them sometimes not. But always feeling that you were proud. How grateful I am for your sweetness and appreciation of making each one of us feel special even when lost in a sea of 7 kids. Mom I am thankful for days I spent with you during the illness, where we talked about life and talked about testimony. I'm grateful for your testimony which helped us all get through your death. You never complained, which I know is because you wanted to make it easier for all of us-again thinking of others. I'm grateful for the day at the hospital where I got to give you hugs and have you tell me that "you kids are the best thing I ever did in my life". Those times and many others meant so much to me! What strength and love you bestowed on me on those last days.

Mom, I know that you are supposed to be where you are. I can't really understand, and I don't like it. But I know you miss me and I miss you! I will miss you forever, but the advice you gave me and the lessons that you taught me in my 31 years is more than enough to get me through the time and space until we meet each other again. Mom, I look forward to the day where we can sit on our chaise lounge, sharing a bottled water and airing grievances for hours on end. You better be that little old lady that you KNEW would be there to help us all through the veil. You are always in my thoughts, and on those days that I think of you I hope that you are there with me. And I hope I can continue living my life making you proud of me. Until we meet again Mom! I love you!

Margaret