It was a rough day yesterday. I attempted to go to church with the baby and he wasn't cooperating. So I left. But before that I heard the news that yet another awesome person has been taken by the awful crappy disease of cancer. A beautiful lady in my ward Elizabeth Peuschel, only 44 years old and a mother of a daughter the same age as my Maren (her obituary http://www.legacy.com/DeseretNews/Obituaries.asp?Page=Lifestory&PersonId=86381032) We were pregnant together and we had talked so much about wanting babies, as I did IVF and she had a miracle conception after many years. I just don't get it sometimes, the plan of it all. This all brought so much up in my mind of my Mom, how much this dreaded disease ravaged her body. How unfair life is. How much I miss my Mom that I can taste it! How I want her back so much! I want this all to just be a nightmare. I drove promptly when I left church to her grave. I just sat there and cried my eyes out. She doesn't have a headstone yet and it just looks so sad, lonely and desolate. I sat there wishing we could just go back and it would all not happen. That we could go back and change so much. How my family is etnerally changed because she is gone. I often times I feel like an orphan. My dad is great, but my mom was the glue. The family just seems so lonely and desolate. Her birthday is coming up in a few weeks and I am dreading that day. That she won't be here and she should!
I find myself lately being so grateful for my eternal marriage. And thinking I need to do more to strengthen that and enjoy the now. Make memories now! Take more picture now, say more I love yous now. Because you just never know what tomorrow brings. Hopefully Dave and I can get the chance to go on some fun vacations this year. It's are goal, because we have always been saving for another IVF or finishing the basement. We need to now enjoy the things that we have saved for. Anyway, that's all that I can write today. There is so much more, but often I find that if I open more than a crack in the door, it will burst wide open. Really grief is the ultimate heartache in life. Loosing a love one is worse than anything I have yet to experience. I know there will be many more loved ones who will go before me along the way. But right now it is more than I can bear missing my sweet Mom.
9 comments:
I love you! What a rough day to come and sideswipe you like that! I'm sorry you're going through so much right now!
I'm so sorry Margie. I can't imagine the pain your are going through. {{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}
Sweetie, I feel your heartache and I cried while reading that. I wish that words were enough to ease the pain. I love you and I am glad that you can express yourself. Godbless Margie. (((HUGS)))
Oh Margie!!! I'm so sorry! I wish I could do something...anything for you! I am crying for you though. (((((hugs!)))))
Ah sweetie, my heart shattered for you as I read all the heartfelt words of this post.
((BIG HUG)) and lots of love from me.
Oh hon! (((HUGS)))
{{{HUGS}}} I am sorry for your struggle, I wish I could take it away from you. Much love my friend.
Margie, Happy Valentines Day!!
I hope it turns out to be Wonderful and much better than Sunday was!!
((((HUGS)))
I'm sorry that you have to go through this struggle. It is so good to write it out though. I did a lot of writing when my mother died and it was very healing. I still get my journal out and read it now and then and it still makes me cry like it was yesterday. But, I can see how far I've come, not only in the healing, but in my faith in the plan of salvation. Give yourself patience and time and your understanding will grow. You may not believe it today, but years down the road when you look back I pray you will feel the healing and growth I am talking about. Love and (((Hugs)))!
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